So. Prepare for the longest blog post ever. Sorry. Don't feel like you have to read it.
To start off, everything that will follow in this post falls under this recent realization.
I always end thinking about anatomy or a certain someone.
Every thought process starts somewhere else, but always somehow ends in the same place.
How does this happen? I'm not 100% sure, but I am 100% sure that it does happen.
It's good for a lot of reasons, but it's also very painful sometimes.
In anatomy, we learned about the brain.
One part of the brain is responsible for triggering memories when you see a certain landmark, or hear a certain song, or smell a certain smell.
That song on the radio. Driving past that park. The funny joke I know he would think was hilarious. The exciting news that I would usually share with him. What, what, what are you doing? The scripture that would apply perfectly to what he's going through. The people that we loved to be with. Well... see you later! When someone calls me Kait.
Sometimes, I want to get that part of my brain removed.
But other times, I'm so very thankful for it.
Where would I be without the people that I've been led to in this life? What would I be without them? A lot less than I am now, that's for certain.
I've been having a really hard time being happy with myself lately. Well, that's not completely true. In some areas I am pleased with myself. In other areas though, I'm frustrated.
Was everything he said true? Am I really all those things he said I was? Can anybody else feel the same way about me that he said he did? Can I ever feel the way I felt about him with somebody else? What makes me special and unique? If he let me go, won't everybody else?
I've realized that my biggest fear in life is failure. Letting down my friends and family and most importantly, my Heavenly Father.
I am a BIG people pleaser. Everyone close to me knows that. I like everyone to be happy with me all the time. That is too many absolute positives in a sentence though. Not EVERYONE can be happy with me ALL the time. I just have a hard time remembering that I can't always make everyone happy.
Happiness is a choice! That is why we have agency, we need to choose to be happy! No matter what our circumstances, no matter what trials we are going through, no matter how bad it might be, we can choose to be happy. There is always something to be happy about.
Guess what that something to be happy about always is?
The gospel. That we are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. That we are not alone. That Jesus Christ has suffered for our pains, our sorrows, our afflictions, and our sins. He know EXACTLY what we're going through. Even in our deepest, darkest trials, we can be happy and find peace and comfort in the atonement knowing that we are not alone.
And do you know what? There is no reason I should be scared of failure. I mean, if I'm not doing what is right then I have plenty of reasons to be scared. But if I'm doing my best and doing what Heavenly Father wants me to do...
"[He] will go before[my] face. [He] will be on [my] right hand and on [my] left, and [His] spirit shall be in [my] heart, and [His] angels round about you, to bear [me] up." (D&C 84:88)
Heavenly Father will not let me fail. Not if I'm doing what is right.
Heck, He's helped me have my lowest test score so far this semester be an 89! Biochem this week might drop that a little though... Yikes. But I've gotten two perfect test scores as well! Seeing that number next to my ID on the screen at the testing center = priceless. Not to mention all the looooooooooong days of homework and papers He's helped me through.
School is rough though. Why do I always throw myself into this frightening load of classes? Still trying to figure that one out. Anatomy, biochemistry, technical writing with chemistry, two labs, and molecular biology. Maybe I find joy in torturing myself?
All I do is school and work. Occasionally I have fun. Luckily I have great roommates and friends close by to help me get through the tough days.
Despite this whiny and complaining post, I really am happy.
I mean, I'm at BYU. Studying something I find super interesting. Living with some of the best girls on the planet. I'm healthy, strong, and bright. My family is 30 minutes away. Technology makes it even closer. And Heavenly Father is maybe 2 feet away. That's probably how far it is from my knees to the ground, right? Right. General conference this past weekend was just what I needed. Provo is getting another temple!!! And France is getting one too!!!
So kids, let's always remember one of my favorite scriptures. No matter what.
"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
- Philippians 4:13
No matter the challenge, no matter how hard the task is, no matter how much it hurts, I can do it, I can be happy. And so can YOU.
