"Who am I? Can I conceal myself for evermore? Pretend I'm not the man I was before? And must my name until I die be no more than an alibi? Must I lie? How can I ever face my fellow men? How can I ever face myself again? My soul belongs to God I know, I made that bargain long ago. He gave me hope when hope was gone, He gave me strength to journey on. Who am I? Who am I?"
By the time you're done reading that, you're probably belting it out, standing up with your hands raised, ready to shout "I'm Jean Valjean!!!" Me too! We all know I'm a sucker for Les Mis, I'd listen to it all day and night if I could. I dream about singing On My Own, as lonely, beautiful, forlorn, and daydreaming Eponine, the beautiful melody bringing tears to the listeners eyes. But let's be honest, that's not me. Nor will it ever be.
So, who am I?
I've been thinking about this question a lot lately. What is it that defines me as me? Am I truly unique? Or am I simply just a follower? How do others see me? Do they look up to me? Or do they pity me? But mostly, how do I see myself?
I think it is human nature, well, at least I like to tell myself that, to be a harsh judge of oneself. I know that I sure am. I often tell myself I want to be like this, or I want to accomplish that, and then constantly end up being disappointed in myself because I didn't do as well as I wanted to or couldn't bring myself to do it. Always I think, "Oh, if only I would have done that a few years ago, then I could be doing this." or "If only I was there instead of where I am, because I could have helped someone there so much better." I always feel like I'm never truly happy with what I do and who I am.
But, something else I think is human nature, there is always the seemingly contradictory but somehow complimentary thought process. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. We are lead to where we are, who we know, and what we do for a reason. Of course, there are always exceptions, because other people also have agency and can change course at any instant, but for the most part, EVERYTHING happens how it is supposed. And with no exceptions, we can get something good out of everything we go through.
So if I really do know that, why do I feel like I'm not in the right place?? Of course I am! Sometimes in the moment I can't see it. But looking back on the bigger picture, I can always see God's hand in my life, leading me to places and people I probably never would be or have met if I had been the one making decisions.
Two things I have really come to know in the past year:
First, I'm not in control. My mom recently told me that ever since I was little, I have always felt the need to be in control. This came down to things like bossing my siblings around, learning to read at a very young age so I wouldn't feel disadvantaged, and making sure my binkies and underwear matched. Who knew I was a control freak? I wouldn't have pinned myself as one, but when my mom pointed it out, I realized that is soooooo true. I still feel like I want to have control of my life. But you know what? There is so much that is just out of my hands, so much that I really have no control over. I think that is the number one reason why I am so stinking scared and nervous for the future. But looking back at my life since graduation, aka real life, my Heavenly Father has been lovingly guiding me through it all. And you know what? If I can't be in control, I'm sure glad to know that someone who is MUCH better at it than me is.
Second, I've learned that if I have a confirmation that something is right, that is good enough. I remember at seminary graduation Brother Frandsen gave this talk all about how life up until then had been us growing, but we'd had lots of structure around us, always showing us the right way to go and pushing us to make the right decisions. But as we left and moved away onto whatever we were going to do, school, work, missions, marriage, etc., it was going to be like the scaffolding was suddenly removed, and we were going to be left not alone, but without structure. It was time for us to make our own decisions, to suffer our own consequences, and reap our own rewards. That talk struck me and has stuck with me ever since. Also, that last year of high school I remember hearing a thousand times, "In the next five years you will make all the biggest decisions of your life, the decisions that will effect you for the rest of your life." And you know what? It's true! Where to go to school, what to major in, to have a career or not, to go on a mission or not, who to marry, when to start a family, and more. The decision to go to BYU and major in chemistry, well now biochemistry, has forever effected me, from the experiences I've had to the people I've met to the knowledge I've gained, I'll never be the same. I still haven't made a lot of those decisions, obviously, but I'm excited for when I do! But I know that I could make these decisions on my own, but I can only make the correct decisions with direction from Heavenly Father. Anyone who knows me knows I'm the most indecisive person. Ever. So making decisions is scary for me. But I've learned to pray about big decisions, and often I pray about little decisions too, and that has made all the difference. Getting that spiritual confirmation that my decision is the right one, that is THE best feeling for me. And even though it's scary to follow through sometimes, I know it's right and what I need to do.
So with these lessons I've learned, I've been applying them and becoming better, becoming more of the person I want to be. I'm so lucky also to have people in my life who see me in a different light than I see myself, and they're kind enough to tell me things I need to fix and urge me to always be better, but also kind enough to compliment me on the things I am good at, and help me see that I am good.
Who am I? Kaitlin Christine Wimmer. 20 1/2 years old. Working hard to get where I want to be, sometimes failing, but always learning. Biochemistry major. Oldest child. Learning to be domestic. Blessed with the best roommates in the world. Lucky to be dating the sweetest boy alive. Forever indebted to her Father in Heaven for letting her be born into a wonderful family, sealed in the temple, and have a knowledge of the true restore gospel.
Who are you?
