What a way to start the new year.

2011.

Recap:

One of the craziest years of my life.

Why?

Lived with a girl that I did not get along with more than any other girl I've ever met.

Wanted to go on study abroad, it wasn't right.

Took two organic chemistry classes and two physics classes in the same semester.

Wanted to be an EFY counselor, it also wasn't right.

Went on tons of fun dates.

Went to St. George a couple of times.

Didn't do so hot on a few tests.

Learned what it meant to give your all in a relationship.

Road tripped to California with my sister.

Worked long shifts and overtime many weeks in a row.

Conquered the hardest puzzle ever.

Lived in a room full of food storage for a whole summer.

Went on some super fun summer vacations.

Tried to go to pharmacy tech school, apparently wasn't right either.

Went to a lot of sweet concerts.

Quit my job.

Seen the return of my many of my faithful missionary friends.

Got a much better, on-campus job.

Rekindled friendships with some old, wonderful friends.

Marched in a gay rights parade. On accident.

Dyed my hair for the first, and probably last, time.

Gave some friends away for marriage.

Unburied the rocketdogs from x-marks-the-spot.

Did crazy things. Just because we can.

Buried my first close relative.

Watched my little sister fall in love.

Learned how to forgive and forget.

Felt countless nudges from the spirit to tell me what to do.

Got called a waste of space.

Finally saw that coveted 100% on the testing center screen.

Had some embarrassing moments.

Learned not to judge too quickly.

Went to Disneyland with my family for a whole week.

Had my all time record number of flag pulls in flag football.

Watched people go through much harder things than I can imagine.

That's the short version.

But the most important thing I learned?

It's all in His hands.

And He loves us. He's guiding us through it all.

While our plan may not work out, His plan always will.

Cheers to the new year.

Oh, happily ever after.

Wow, we made it through another semester.

Not just any semester though.

The semester of death. Has. Been. Conquered.

Anatomy and lab, Molecular Biology and lab, Technical Writing with Chemistry, and Biochemistry.

Two research papers written. 12 pager and 21 pager.

16 tests taken.

Soooooooo much knowledge.

I have learned so much about the human body, what you can see with the naked eye, on the macro-molecular level, and on the chemical level.

The more I learn, the more I realize how small and insignificant I really am.

Who am I to think that the world revolves around me?

Let's be honest, the world revolves around ATP synthesis.

Just kidding, kind of, but in all honesty here.

Dieter F. Utchdorf said it best...

"And while we may look at the vast expanse of the universe and say, 'what is man in comparison to the glory of creation?' God Himself said we are the reason He created the universe! His work and glory - the purpose of this magnificent universe - is to save and exalt mankind. In other words, the vast expanse of eternity, the glories and mysteries of infinite space and time are all built for the benefit of ordinary mortals like you and me. Our Heavenly Father created the universe that we might reach our potential as His sons and daughters.

This is the paradox of man: compared to God, man is nothing; yet we are everything to God. While against the backdrop of infinite creation we may appear to be nothing, we have a spark of eternal fire burning within our breast. We have the incomprehensible promise of exaltation - worlds without end - within our grasp. And it is God's great desire to help us reach it."

God made it all for us. And He still is willing to give us so much more. How amazing is that?

This semester I definitely felt small, but I also felt loved. And important. And special. I came to know even stronger that Heavenly Father knows me personally. And He cares about me so much, about the worries and every day concerns of my life as well as the big decisions He knows I can't make alone.

President Utchdorf said it best again:

"Brothers and sisters, the most powerful Being in the universe is the Father of your spirit. He knows you. He loves you with a perfect love.

God sees you not only as a mortal being on a small planet who lives for a brief season - He sees you as His child. He sees you as the being you are capable and designed to become. He wants you to know that you matter to Him."

He love me. He loves you. We matter to Him. What else matters?

If you never try then you'll never know...

Food for thought:

Nightgowns are the most comfortable apparel ever invented.

Nectarines might be the best fruit.

Just because you're an old man doesn't mean you're cute. Or that you automatically have the right to wink at younger women. And call them pet names.

Bubble wrap is one of the best therapies.

Pina Colada is a strange craving when I'm on my period. But a delicious one.

Sunshine is taken for granted far too often.

Friends are the greatest. Especially old friends.

School is hard. But super fun at the same time.

I hate hair. Especially dark hair in the sink.

Boys are cute. Like really cute.

Family is wonderful. Forever.

Taylor Swift makes me feel in touch with my girly side.

Adele makes me feel in touch with my womanly side.

Chocolate is still gross.

Weddings make me want to get married real bad.

The 80's and 90's were such good years. Who doesn't want to double dutch and listen to Wham! coming out of a boom box all day long?

Boys are dumb. They should just grow up and become men.

I'm more of an old school hero fan, you know, like Superman, not man-made heroes like Batman and Captain America. Call me crazy.

I'm not sure how The Hunger Games movies are going to be rated less than R. But I'm excited for them. Well, the second one, my favorite book.

Women deserve to be treated right. They need to not settle for less.

Life is hard, but prayer is easy.

It's almost Christmas!

You could be the center piece of my obsession.

Clayton has hinted to me I'm obsessed with Adele.

This may or may not be true.

There are many reasons why though.

First, her voice is amazing.

139,283,203,834th, this. So cool.

I dare you to move.

So. Prepare for the longest blog post ever. Sorry. Don't feel like you have to read it.

To start off, everything that will follow in this post falls under this recent realization.

I always end thinking about anatomy or a certain someone.

Every thought process starts somewhere else, but always somehow ends in the same place.

How does this happen? I'm not 100% sure, but I am 100% sure that it does happen.

It's good for a lot of reasons, but it's also very painful sometimes.

In anatomy, we learned about the brain.

One part of the brain is responsible for triggering memories when you see a certain landmark, or hear a certain song, or smell a certain smell.

That song on the radio. Driving past that park. The funny joke I know he would think was hilarious. The exciting news that I would usually share with him. What, what, what are you doing? The scripture that would apply perfectly to what he's going through. The people that we loved to be with. Well... see you later! When someone calls me Kait.

Sometimes, I want to get that part of my brain removed.

But other times, I'm so very thankful for it.

Where would I be without the people that I've been led to in this life? What would I be without them? A lot less than I am now, that's for certain.

I've been having a really hard time being happy with myself lately. Well, that's not completely true. In some areas I am pleased with myself. In other areas though, I'm frustrated.

Was everything he said true? Am I really all those things he said I was? Can anybody else feel the same way about me that he said he did? Can I ever feel the way I felt about him with somebody else? What makes me special and unique? If he let me go, won't everybody else?

I've realized that my biggest fear in life is failure. Letting down my friends and family and most importantly, my Heavenly Father.

I am a BIG people pleaser. Everyone close to me knows that. I like everyone to be happy with me all the time. That is too many absolute positives in a sentence though. Not EVERYONE can be happy with me ALL the time. I just have a hard time remembering that I can't always make everyone happy.

Happiness is a choice! That is why we have agency, we need to choose to be happy! No matter what our circumstances, no matter what trials we are going through, no matter how bad it might be, we can choose to be happy. There is always something to be happy about.

Guess what that something to be happy about always is?

The gospel. That we are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. That we are not alone. That Jesus Christ has suffered for our pains, our sorrows, our afflictions, and our sins. He know EXACTLY what we're going through. Even in our deepest, darkest trials, we can be happy and find peace and comfort in the atonement knowing that we are not alone.

And do you know what? There is no reason I should be scared of failure. I mean, if I'm not doing what is right then I have plenty of reasons to be scared. But if I'm doing my best and doing what Heavenly Father wants me to do...

"[He] will go before[my] face. [He] will be on [my] right hand and on [my] left, and [His] spirit shall be in [my] heart, and [His] angels round about you, to bear [me] up." (D&C 84:88)

Heavenly Father will not let me fail. Not if I'm doing what is right.

Heck, He's helped me have my lowest test score so far this semester be an 89! Biochem this week might drop that a little though... Yikes. But I've gotten two perfect test scores as well! Seeing that number next to my ID on the screen at the testing center = priceless. Not to mention all the looooooooooong days of homework and papers He's helped me through.

School is rough though. Why do I always throw myself into this frightening load of classes? Still trying to figure that one out. Anatomy, biochemistry, technical writing with chemistry, two labs, and molecular biology. Maybe I find joy in torturing myself?

All I do is school and work. Occasionally I have fun. Luckily I have great roommates and friends close by to help me get through the tough days.

Despite this whiny and complaining post, I really am happy.

I mean, I'm at BYU. Studying something I find super interesting. Living with some of the best girls on the planet. I'm healthy, strong, and bright. My family is 30 minutes away. Technology makes it even closer. And Heavenly Father is maybe 2 feet away. That's probably how far it is from my knees to the ground, right? Right. General conference this past weekend was just what I needed. Provo is getting another temple!!! And France is getting one too!!!

So kids, let's always remember one of my favorite scriptures. No matter what.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
- Philippians 4:13

No matter the challenge, no matter how hard the task is, no matter how much it hurts, I can do it, I can be happy. And so can YOU.

I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

First week of school report:

• I missed the library. A lot a lot. I think I've been there every day since school started. Minus today of course.
• My new roommate is darling. My twin separated at birth maybe?
  
• Don't bring carrots to eat in the library. I felt like everyone in the periodicals could've eliminated me if looks could kill.
• I like that I can eat crunchy peanut butter, multi grain bread, garden vegetable cream cheese, all the veggies I want, and not be tempted to eat junk food, because there is none in my cupboard.
• I like that pretty much everywhere I want to go is within walking distance.
• Kylie and I aren't as good at guessing people's names as we thought.
• Sometimes I have no motivation to make friends.
• But I have great people in my life to give me good advice to stop worrying about me and look outside myself.
• I saw a billboard that said "You're worth more than just to be looked at." So true. We worry too much about what we look like.
• Roommate prayer makes me feel happy and unified.
• Being back in Provo makes me sad in some ways, it brings back lots of memories, but I need to look back on those memories fondly and remember the great lessons learned and move forward to make more memories.
  
• I love people watching.
• I love trying to figure out how different people work.
• Kristen and I decided we need a little more spice in our life. Since I'm not really the rebellious type, my way of doing this is asking people really forward questions and seeing their reactions. I love it.
• I don't like feeling... dumb I guess. I also started my new job this week and I have to learn where everything is and how to do a lot of stuff, which is kind of overwhelming at first, but I'm a quick learner, I just have to get over the learning curve.
• I love being in control of my own self. I love being able to shape my own environment. I love seeing how the choices I make directly affect the outcome of what I'm doing.
• I love knowing that God puts certain people into our lives for a reason, and knowing that if I'm living right I could be that person for someone, that He trusts me that much.
• Being at BYU is just as much about relationships as it is about school. I need to remember that people are just as important, if not more, than school. Remember that everyone you see could be having the hardest day of their life.
  
• I loooooooooooooooooove learning. I'm taking way hard classes this semester, but all things that are so interesting to me, things that I can see and understand what is happening down at the molecular level, which a lot of people don't actually care about, but I think is super interesting and cool! I'm stoked to create my own world someday.
• Smile! Life is great.
  

Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that's vulnerable, impossible.

A good friend recommended this book to me a while ago.

It is a gem. I would recommend it to everyone. It is odd, but push through it, and think about your own life as you're going through it.

The whole book is about dealing with change. It's a short story that talks about four different characters that deal with change a little differently.

I would always hope that I can deal well with change. So far in my life I've been lucky to not have to deal with a lot of change. A couple moves, a couple school changes, nothing major. But I have seen some of my very close friends go through some very, very hard things. Most have adjusted so well, they are simply amazing and so very inspiring to me. And some go through a rough patch and have a hard time moving on.

I just wanted to share my favorite part of the book with you.

"What would you do if you weren't afraid? He thought about it. He knew sometimes some fear can be good. When you are afraid things are going to get worse if you don't do something, it can prompt you into action. But it is not good when you are so afraid that it keeps you from doing anything."

What really struck me here is, what would you do if you weren't afraid? Ever since I read this book, that question has been stuck in my head. I know I'm terrified of the future. I'm terrified of failure, of disappointing those I love, of what trials and hardships might come, of heartbreak and heartache, of not completing my mission in life, of not being ready to return to my Heavenly Father when it's my time, and many more.

So what would I do if I weren't afraid?

Would I be more confident in myself? Would I take a chance on somebody I usually wouldn't? Would I let my true personality come out in all situations? Would I participate more in class? Would I go somewhere I wouldn't usually? Would I talk to someone I usually wouldn't? Would my life be better because of all these things?

Turning to the scriptures, I also find a lot more reasons to think... what would I do if I weren't afraid?

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

-2 Timothy 1:7

"... as the Lord God of thy fathers hath said unto thee; fear not, neither be discouraged."

-Deuteronomy 1:21

"Wherefore the righteous need not fear; for thus saith the prophet, they shall be saved."

-1 Nephi 22:17

Living in fear is no way to live. Countless servants of the Lord have told us that faith and fear cannot exist together. We must choose DAILY to live in faith, to not be afraid of what the future will bring, but to have faith that whatever it will bring, our Heavenly Father will help us through it, that it will be for our benefit, to make us stronger and more like our Savior.

I'm not saying that I'm any good at this, I have countless fears about my future, and the future of those who I truly care about. But despite these fears, there is one thing I know, and that is that because I have the marvelous blessing of having The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in my life, I have power. I have the wonderful gift of the Holy Ghost that I have the privilege of having with me at all times to not only guide me and lead me, but to comfort and strengthen me, and bring me peace when I am troubled by the world around me, when I am afraid of what the future will bring, or when I'm confused.

Without the gospel would I be a little coward, hiding away in my room where I don't have to make any big decisions, where I don't have to be hurt or hurt others, where I don't have to be stained by evils of the world? Probably. But because I have it, I know that I can confidently move forward with faith in my decisions that I have prayed about and received an affirmation that they are on the path that Heavenly Father would have me take. I know that no matter what happens, as long as I stay faithful and look for the best in every situation and learn the lessons from every experience, I am slowly being molded into the goddess I want to be and that Heavenly Father knows I can be.

So, especially as this new school year starts, whether you're starting at a new school, a new program, a new job, or continuing on with whatever you're doing, just think, what would you do if you weren't afraid?

Be a little bolder, stand a little taller, have a little more confidence in yourself, smile a little more, take a couple more chances, pray always, and you can't even imagine the possibilities.

"Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not."

-D&C 6:36