I dare you to move.

So. Prepare for the longest blog post ever. Sorry. Don't feel like you have to read it.

To start off, everything that will follow in this post falls under this recent realization.

I always end thinking about anatomy or a certain someone.

Every thought process starts somewhere else, but always somehow ends in the same place.

How does this happen? I'm not 100% sure, but I am 100% sure that it does happen.

It's good for a lot of reasons, but it's also very painful sometimes.

In anatomy, we learned about the brain.

One part of the brain is responsible for triggering memories when you see a certain landmark, or hear a certain song, or smell a certain smell.

That song on the radio. Driving past that park. The funny joke I know he would think was hilarious. The exciting news that I would usually share with him. What, what, what are you doing? The scripture that would apply perfectly to what he's going through. The people that we loved to be with. Well... see you later! When someone calls me Kait.

Sometimes, I want to get that part of my brain removed.

But other times, I'm so very thankful for it.

Where would I be without the people that I've been led to in this life? What would I be without them? A lot less than I am now, that's for certain.

I've been having a really hard time being happy with myself lately. Well, that's not completely true. In some areas I am pleased with myself. In other areas though, I'm frustrated.

Was everything he said true? Am I really all those things he said I was? Can anybody else feel the same way about me that he said he did? Can I ever feel the way I felt about him with somebody else? What makes me special and unique? If he let me go, won't everybody else?

I've realized that my biggest fear in life is failure. Letting down my friends and family and most importantly, my Heavenly Father.

I am a BIG people pleaser. Everyone close to me knows that. I like everyone to be happy with me all the time. That is too many absolute positives in a sentence though. Not EVERYONE can be happy with me ALL the time. I just have a hard time remembering that I can't always make everyone happy.

Happiness is a choice! That is why we have agency, we need to choose to be happy! No matter what our circumstances, no matter what trials we are going through, no matter how bad it might be, we can choose to be happy. There is always something to be happy about.

Guess what that something to be happy about always is?

The gospel. That we are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. That we are not alone. That Jesus Christ has suffered for our pains, our sorrows, our afflictions, and our sins. He know EXACTLY what we're going through. Even in our deepest, darkest trials, we can be happy and find peace and comfort in the atonement knowing that we are not alone.

And do you know what? There is no reason I should be scared of failure. I mean, if I'm not doing what is right then I have plenty of reasons to be scared. But if I'm doing my best and doing what Heavenly Father wants me to do...

"[He] will go before[my] face. [He] will be on [my] right hand and on [my] left, and [His] spirit shall be in [my] heart, and [His] angels round about you, to bear [me] up." (D&C 84:88)

Heavenly Father will not let me fail. Not if I'm doing what is right.

Heck, He's helped me have my lowest test score so far this semester be an 89! Biochem this week might drop that a little though... Yikes. But I've gotten two perfect test scores as well! Seeing that number next to my ID on the screen at the testing center = priceless. Not to mention all the looooooooooong days of homework and papers He's helped me through.

School is rough though. Why do I always throw myself into this frightening load of classes? Still trying to figure that one out. Anatomy, biochemistry, technical writing with chemistry, two labs, and molecular biology. Maybe I find joy in torturing myself?

All I do is school and work. Occasionally I have fun. Luckily I have great roommates and friends close by to help me get through the tough days.

Despite this whiny and complaining post, I really am happy.

I mean, I'm at BYU. Studying something I find super interesting. Living with some of the best girls on the planet. I'm healthy, strong, and bright. My family is 30 minutes away. Technology makes it even closer. And Heavenly Father is maybe 2 feet away. That's probably how far it is from my knees to the ground, right? Right. General conference this past weekend was just what I needed. Provo is getting another temple!!! And France is getting one too!!!

So kids, let's always remember one of my favorite scriptures. No matter what.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
- Philippians 4:13

No matter the challenge, no matter how hard the task is, no matter how much it hurts, I can do it, I can be happy. And so can YOU.

I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

First week of school report:

• I missed the library. A lot a lot. I think I've been there every day since school started. Minus today of course.
• My new roommate is darling. My twin separated at birth maybe?
  
• Don't bring carrots to eat in the library. I felt like everyone in the periodicals could've eliminated me if looks could kill.
• I like that I can eat crunchy peanut butter, multi grain bread, garden vegetable cream cheese, all the veggies I want, and not be tempted to eat junk food, because there is none in my cupboard.
• I like that pretty much everywhere I want to go is within walking distance.
• Kylie and I aren't as good at guessing people's names as we thought.
• Sometimes I have no motivation to make friends.
• But I have great people in my life to give me good advice to stop worrying about me and look outside myself.
• I saw a billboard that said "You're worth more than just to be looked at." So true. We worry too much about what we look like.
• Roommate prayer makes me feel happy and unified.
• Being back in Provo makes me sad in some ways, it brings back lots of memories, but I need to look back on those memories fondly and remember the great lessons learned and move forward to make more memories.
  
• I love people watching.
• I love trying to figure out how different people work.
• Kristen and I decided we need a little more spice in our life. Since I'm not really the rebellious type, my way of doing this is asking people really forward questions and seeing their reactions. I love it.
• I don't like feeling... dumb I guess. I also started my new job this week and I have to learn where everything is and how to do a lot of stuff, which is kind of overwhelming at first, but I'm a quick learner, I just have to get over the learning curve.
• I love being in control of my own self. I love being able to shape my own environment. I love seeing how the choices I make directly affect the outcome of what I'm doing.
• I love knowing that God puts certain people into our lives for a reason, and knowing that if I'm living right I could be that person for someone, that He trusts me that much.
• Being at BYU is just as much about relationships as it is about school. I need to remember that people are just as important, if not more, than school. Remember that everyone you see could be having the hardest day of their life.
  
• I loooooooooooooooooove learning. I'm taking way hard classes this semester, but all things that are so interesting to me, things that I can see and understand what is happening down at the molecular level, which a lot of people don't actually care about, but I think is super interesting and cool! I'm stoked to create my own world someday.
• Smile! Life is great.
  

Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that's vulnerable, impossible.

A good friend recommended this book to me a while ago.

It is a gem. I would recommend it to everyone. It is odd, but push through it, and think about your own life as you're going through it.

The whole book is about dealing with change. It's a short story that talks about four different characters that deal with change a little differently.

I would always hope that I can deal well with change. So far in my life I've been lucky to not have to deal with a lot of change. A couple moves, a couple school changes, nothing major. But I have seen some of my very close friends go through some very, very hard things. Most have adjusted so well, they are simply amazing and so very inspiring to me. And some go through a rough patch and have a hard time moving on.

I just wanted to share my favorite part of the book with you.

"What would you do if you weren't afraid? He thought about it. He knew sometimes some fear can be good. When you are afraid things are going to get worse if you don't do something, it can prompt you into action. But it is not good when you are so afraid that it keeps you from doing anything."

What really struck me here is, what would you do if you weren't afraid? Ever since I read this book, that question has been stuck in my head. I know I'm terrified of the future. I'm terrified of failure, of disappointing those I love, of what trials and hardships might come, of heartbreak and heartache, of not completing my mission in life, of not being ready to return to my Heavenly Father when it's my time, and many more.

So what would I do if I weren't afraid?

Would I be more confident in myself? Would I take a chance on somebody I usually wouldn't? Would I let my true personality come out in all situations? Would I participate more in class? Would I go somewhere I wouldn't usually? Would I talk to someone I usually wouldn't? Would my life be better because of all these things?

Turning to the scriptures, I also find a lot more reasons to think... what would I do if I weren't afraid?

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

-2 Timothy 1:7

"... as the Lord God of thy fathers hath said unto thee; fear not, neither be discouraged."

-Deuteronomy 1:21

"Wherefore the righteous need not fear; for thus saith the prophet, they shall be saved."

-1 Nephi 22:17

Living in fear is no way to live. Countless servants of the Lord have told us that faith and fear cannot exist together. We must choose DAILY to live in faith, to not be afraid of what the future will bring, but to have faith that whatever it will bring, our Heavenly Father will help us through it, that it will be for our benefit, to make us stronger and more like our Savior.

I'm not saying that I'm any good at this, I have countless fears about my future, and the future of those who I truly care about. But despite these fears, there is one thing I know, and that is that because I have the marvelous blessing of having The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in my life, I have power. I have the wonderful gift of the Holy Ghost that I have the privilege of having with me at all times to not only guide me and lead me, but to comfort and strengthen me, and bring me peace when I am troubled by the world around me, when I am afraid of what the future will bring, or when I'm confused.

Without the gospel would I be a little coward, hiding away in my room where I don't have to make any big decisions, where I don't have to be hurt or hurt others, where I don't have to be stained by evils of the world? Probably. But because I have it, I know that I can confidently move forward with faith in my decisions that I have prayed about and received an affirmation that they are on the path that Heavenly Father would have me take. I know that no matter what happens, as long as I stay faithful and look for the best in every situation and learn the lessons from every experience, I am slowly being molded into the goddess I want to be and that Heavenly Father knows I can be.

So, especially as this new school year starts, whether you're starting at a new school, a new program, a new job, or continuing on with whatever you're doing, just think, what would you do if you weren't afraid?

Be a little bolder, stand a little taller, have a little more confidence in yourself, smile a little more, take a couple more chances, pray always, and you can't even imagine the possibilities.

"Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not."

-D&C 6:36

Where'd all the good people go?

Nothing says summer like swimsuits, sunshine, boating, Jack Johnson, and Lake Powell.

This past week I got to go to Powell with the Glazier's. So much fun!

KYLE

I love that picture, the sun and water look so pretty, and Kyle looks epicccccccc.

JORDAN

CHANCE

Chance and Jordan were crazy, doing backflips and 360's and all sorts of crazy tricks.

BRANDAN

Brandan had a goal to clear the wake and he did it! Woohoooooo.

KAITLIN

Yeah!!! That's me! I did it. I finally got up wakeboarding. Once I got up it was easy as no bake cookies to do it again. I even got out of the wake! I couldn't get back in... but hey, one step at a time! It'll come someday. But yeah, I was happy I learned!

Apparently I stick out my tongue when I'm focusing really hard. I thought that was funny. Oh, and please excuse the short shorts and awful tan-lines. Every time I tried to fix my shorts I fell. So they told me don't worry about modesty while I'm boarding haha.

The crazy tubers. They were so funny. After lunch one day we were all loopy and hyper, so we thought it would be a good idea to try and fit all six of us, ages 15, 18, 20, 21, 23, and 25, on the tube. So many failed attempts, ripped open scabs, rubbing on the sunburns, swallowing water, but so much laughter and tons of fun. I wish I had a picture of it.

Me chillin' on the boat. Thanks for capturing my best moments Kyle.

Boating is so funnnnnn!


Our little pet that we caught. There are lots of fun animals at Powell! We caught lizards and frogs, saw lots of fish and crows, and almost got attacked by a "coyote" which actually turned out to be a fox. But it was 3 feet away from me when I woke up, so it was a little frightening!


A face in the rock. Lake Powell is just beautiful! And full of adventures.


Peace and blessings, peace and blessings.

You're alright, but I'm here darlin' to enjoy the party.

Today I got to do one of my favorite things, and also one of my least favorite.

One of my favorite things in the world? Opening a new deoderant. Weird? Yes. But I love it.

One of my least favorite things in the world? Opening a new toothbrush. I just... don't like it at all.

I just get used to the comfortable feel of the soft bristles on my teeth, the familiar feel of the brush in my hand, the clean, fresh feeling it gives me after every session.

I just don't like opening a new one. Why?

So, old toothbrush, it's time to retire. I might have held onto it a little too long... half the bristles are gone, all of the tongue brushing stuff is rubbed off, and it's not looking very... strong and stable anymore.

Don't worry, I've already had a million people tell me it's gross and unacceptable. I just had a hard time letting go. But it's done. Goodbye pink, helloooooooooooo blue.

I put some new shoes on and suddenly everything's right.

Remember how I was talking about problems a couple days ago? Well... I'm here to confess another one.

Hi, my name is Kaitlin, and I'm... I have a... a... shoe fettish.

Sandals, tennis, sunday shoes, moccasins, boots, more tennis...

I LOVE SHOES.

And today, my shoe count: 50.

I just believe that a pair of shoes makes an outfit. And every pair of shoes brings back good memories. And every shoe has a story to tell. And shoes match your personality.

When you're feeling blue and you don't know what to do... go shoe shopping! It helps. For me at least ;)

So here I go in a cute pair of tennis shoes, my personal favorite, off to change the world.

Allllllllllllll summer long.

Once upon a time while I was doing some more thinking at work, I decided that I have a problem. Well, I have a few, but this one in particular is a big problem.

I hate summer.

Yes, you read that right. I hate it.

The definition of summer for me: working endless hours on end until my fingers bleed, my hair is full of fruit juice, and I can recite of every amount of every fruit in every smoothie. Fun? Nonexistant. Friends? Nope. Pool time? Once a week if I'm lucky. Just working, eating, and sleeping.

Summer used to mean fun, friends, vacation, and sunshine. But sadly, since graduating from high school, summer means working my tail off until I have enough money to last me through the next year. Which unfortunately means working as much as I possibly can with my minimum wage job. I've gotten over time the past 3 weeks and 40 hours exactly last week.

By all means, I'm not complaining... too much. I am so thankful that I have a job, so thankful that I can make enough money to last me through the next year, so thankful that I'm not having to go into debt or anything. But at the same time, I wish I was doing something... more. Something that means more, I guess. I wish I could be making a difference in somebody's life. I wish I was doing something that would be significant for my future. I wish... a lot of things.

So, thinking about it, even though I have a silly job that I probably complain about wayyyyy too much, I still can do all those things. I can make a difference by being happy, positive, optimistic me, trying to do what's right and praying to be an instrument in God's hands. I can do something significant for my future, I can constantly work on improving myself, to become the person I want to be.

And, I can have fun.

So, I made a list of things that I wanted to do this summer! Good things, weird things, fun things, odd things, lots of things. So, just wait. I shall complete my list. Mostly. Hopefully. Care to join me? Please do.

You know where to find me ;)